I’ve been musing on this list for awhile, and today I finally completed it. But before I launch into the list – a caveat.
These are not necessarily the worst movies ever made (hence the post title). Fortunately in my life I’ve been careful to insulate myself from things I know are pretty much guaranteed crap (Glitter, Crossroads) or that immediately draw the ire of critics across the board (Gigli). In fact, going through Rotten Tomatoes’ list of the 100 worst reviewed movies ever, I’ve only seen one – and I didn’t think it was that bad (The Mod Squad).
But on occasion there are those terrible movies that I saw with high expectations, or based on the continual prodding of friends. And thus I suffered. And thus I have this list. It should also be noted that just because a movie is on this list doesn’t mean watching it can’t be enjoyable – we’ve enjoyed several Thanksgiving afternoons with some of these movies for the camp value!
So, without further adieu – The 10 Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen:
10. The Fountain
On the surface, this movie looked like a winner – it starred my Australian husband, Hugh Jackman! And it was directed by noted auteur Darren Aronofsky. But what we saw was a long, boring, hot mess. What was this movie about, anyway? I’m all for artistry, but I just don’t get Hugh floating in space talking to a tree wearing a monk’s robe (couldn’t he ditch the robe?). Bizarre. The striking visuals were drowned out by a nonsensical plot.
9. Exit to Eden
Rosie O’Donnell in a dominatrix outift. Case closed.
Dustin Hoffman has been blessed with a long illustrious career including such highlights as The Graduate and Tootsie. But the nadir was without a doubt this stinker. Even Sophia on The Golden Girls recommends avoiding it as one of her 3 great life lessons. Need I say more?
7. Wild Wild West
I won’t say that seeing this movie was the worst date I’ve ever been on, but it’s certainly the worst movie I ever saw on a date. Any film with Bai Ling is already starting at a deficit. Kevin Kline – I’m so ashamed for you!
You probably know by now that I loathe horror movies. But my friends in college twisted my arm and insisted I see this one. It scarred me for life – and it’s not even good! Of course, the slasher fans out there would probably disagree. Let’s just say this is on my list because I had a rotten time and still have a sick fear of mirrors if the lights are out.
5. License to Kill
If you read my previous post about James Bond, you’ll remember that I singled this out as the worst of those movies. In fact, it’s just a terrible movie, period. I remember seeing this with my family, and my mother and brother had to leave halfway through because it was so disgusting (e.g. man imploding in a high-pressure chamber). Bad acting, bad script…not up to Bond standards.
4. Love Life
Our friends warned us. They said – sure the guy on the cover is cute, but it’s bad. Oh yeah – it’s terrible. The script (about a “straight” couple that are each having gay affairs) is lousy, and the acting is so bad the director should be arrested for public indecency.
Is it the way that Elizabeth Berkley’s character pronounces Versace? (“It’s ver-sayssss.”) Is it the way she flops around like a dead fish while having sex with Kyle MacLachlan in a pool? Is it the ubiquitous presence of long fingernails? Well, it’s the sum of all those parts and more. People love to watch this to laugh at it. You know that’s not what the director intended.
2. Valley of the Dolls
I’ve previously posted a whole viewing guide to this crazy drug trip of a movie. It can be a real blast, but you must be in the right state of mind (that is, altered) to watch it. This is the one movie on my list that I actually recommend seeing, just so you can experience the awfulness in all its glory! “I’m going incognito…”
1. The Phantom of the Opera
The 2004 version was just…oh man, it was bad. Although it did give me one of the best experiences I’ve had in a movie theater, as I came to realize that our whole group of friends that went to see it (about 8 of us) all thought it was horrid! Once that cat was out of the bag, we snickered, we whispered, we made up our own dialogue. But the crowning moment was the end – as we burst into laughter while folks in the front rows gave it a STANDING OVATION. I kid you not. Look at this film objectively and you’ll recognize it for the craptastic mess it is. “Just take the second horse down the hall 10 feet, then hop in the boat and go around the corner.” And the monkey – dear lord – the monkey!
Now it’s your turn! Which of these have you seen? Do you disagree that any of them should be on the list? And what horrible movies have you been subjected to that I’ve avoided?